4A: Sexuality

Learning Outcomes

At the end of this chapter, you will be able to do the following:

• Define sexual scripts.

• Define sexual socialization.

• Understand the importance of sexuality.

• Know the different sexual identities.

• Define the terms: sexual response cycle, sexual dysfunction, heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual. 

Just a note to begin this chapter: sexuality is controversial. We are raised not to talk about it much, even though it underlies many advertisement themes, is shown independent of any emotional or physical consequences in many TV and Big Screen Productions, and is commonly participated in outside of marriage. Many of us are even taught that religions are very strict on how sex is exclusively for married people, yet very few of us had the luxury of having our own parents teach us about it, even though parents play a vital role in the sexual education of their children (Breuner et al., 2016). 

For some religious believers, it brings family shame to have sex outside of marriage. For others, the fear of God’s retribution shapes their very thinking about what sex is and how we should participate in it. Researchers strive to maintain awareness of empirical information as well as the strong values and opinions people have while simultaneously preserving objectivity about this important topic.

This chapter has two main goals. First, this chapter will hopefully help you to understand the human body and its sexual and reproductive functioning. Second, this chapter will arm you with the understanding of the critical information you need to know about sexuality and sexual dysfunction and sexually transmitted infections. Education helps us to protect ourselves and make truly informed decisions.

A script is what actors read or study and what guides their behavior in a certain role. A script is a blueprint for what we should do in our roles. Sexual scripts are blueprints and guidelines for what we define as our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and the sexual component of our self-definition. All of us are sexual beings, yet none of us is exactly identical to another in our sexual definitions and script expectations. That being said, keep in mind that we are not just born with sexual scripts in place; they are learned. Sexual socialization is the process by which we learn how, when, where, with whom, why, and with which motivations we are sexual beings.

We are all born with drives, which are biological needs that demand our attention and behavioral responses to them. The most powerful drives are circulation, breathing, voiding our urine and other waste, eating, drinking, sleeping, and sexual involvement. Sexual drives are biological urges to participate in sexual activity and in certain sexual roles.

Sexual scripts, once learned, will shape how that drive is answered. Sexuality is learned via culture and socialization. There are as many unique sexual scripts as there are people, yet some of these scripts have common themes and can be viewed as a collective pattern or trend in the larger social level.

Many of us learn our sexual scripts in a passive way. In other words, we don’t learn from experience, but from a synthesis of concepts, images, ideals, and sometimes misconceptions. 

Some traditional sexual scripts (Wikipedia, 2023c) that have been studied include a number of problematic assumptions. Some of these assumptions include but are not limited to: the man must be in charge of the sexual relationship, the woman must not enjoy (or let on that she enjoys) the sexual experience, the man is a performer whose skills are proven effective upon achievement of his partner’s orgasm, men are sexual while women are not, it is not permissible for women to talk about sex, and women turn to men to learn about and understand sexuality. Numerous studies have shown that most of these traditional scripts are not realistic, healthy, conducive to open communication, nor negotiation of sexual needs and desires for couples. In sum, rather, these traditional notions can be an undermining influence in a couple’s intimacy. More contemporary scripts include these simple ideas:

• Both partners need to learn to take ownership of the couple’s sexual experiences.

• Both partners need to learn to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings.

• Both partners need to learn to meet one another’s desires, needs, and wishes while making sure that their own needs are being met.

Genital Development

Many people think of male versus female reproductive and sexual body parts in terms of opposites. In sexual matters, men and women are very much alike from a physiological and biological point of view. Men and women are even alike in the fetal development process with genitals developing from identical tissues, regardless of being male or female. Have you ever wondered why a pregnant woman can’t get an accurate ultrasound until the second month to determine the fetus’s sex being male or female? In part, technicians want to give the fetus enough time to develop genitals that coincide with the particular sex of the baby. More importantly, the fetus has identical genitals until about the fifth or sixth week. That means it would require a DNA test to distinguish which sex the fetus is up until that point.

Sexually, males and females start with identical genital buds that usually form into the male or female reproductive organs (Baskin et al., 2018; Hill, 2023a). Figure 1 briefly discusses the development of male and female sexual parts from very similar genital pelvic tissues. Please note that sexual development is a natural yet extremely complex process that yields a mostly predictable outcome among newborns. That means most females are born with nearly identical sexual parts. Likewise, most males are born with nearly identical parts.

Figure 1: Similar Sexual Development in the Male and Female Fetus.

With an XY male genetic configuration, the glans area will develop into the penis. The urethral fold will form the urethral meatus or opening in the penis. The urethral groove and lateral buttress will fold onto itself and fuse into the shaft of the penis with the urethra connecting the bladder to the urethral meatus or opening of the penis. The anal tubercle will form into the anus and external sphincter. The male glands (prostate, Cowper’s gland, and seminal vesicles) develop in another process as do the testicles, which develop inside the abdomen then drop into the scrotum. Figure 2 shows an artist’s depiction of the tissues that biologists would use to identify the developing genitals of males and females.

For the XX female genetic configuration, the glans becomes the clitoral glans (Baskin et al., 2018); the urethral fold becomes the urethral meatus; the urethral groove and lateral buttress become the labia minora and majora (labia means lips); and the anal tubercle becomes the anus and external sphincter. The vagina, cervix, ovaries, and uterus form from other tissues. Interestingly, ovaries develop inside the abdomen. These basic fetal tissues differentiate because of the X or Y. In adult sexual partners, these sexual parts function in very similar ways even though their placement and structure differ.

There are some variations when the actual physical sexual development does not follow expected genetic patterns. Intersex is an extremely rare condition (Sax, 2002) where an individual's genetic sex (XX or XY) does not fully correlate with that individual's physical sexual characteristics. This condition is also known as differences in sex development (DSD) (National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine et al., 2022). In the past, this was termed as hermaphroditism. Intersex can include individuals with partially or fully formed genitals of both sexes.  Researchers have estimated that intersex appears in 0.018% of births (approximately 1 in 5,000 births). As is mentioned in Figure 2, not all fetal sexual development occurs uniformly. Though not discussed here in great detail, there are five common sexual development variations reported among newborns: Turner’s syndrome, Klinefelter’s Syndrome, Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, Fetally Androgenized Females, and DHT-deficient Males. In most cases of fetal development, sexual development is predictable and follows the above-mentioned pattern of originating from nearly identical tissues.

Sexual Anatomy

To understand our own bodies and also understand enough about sexuality to teach our children, we must understand the basics of female and male anatomy. Figure 3 shows an artist’s depiction of a cross-section of female reproductive and sexual anatomy. The clitoris is extremely sensitive and is protected by the clitoral hood (not shown here). It sits above the vagina. In females, urine exits the body at the external urethral orifice (also called meatus). The vaginal orifice simply means the opening to the vagina itself. The labia are in two places, closer to the vaginal orifice (labia minora) and further away from the vaginal orifice (labia majora).

The urinary bladder sits behind the pubic bone and during urination travels an inch or two out of the body via the external urethral orifice. In the back and top of the vagina sits the cervix. The cervix is simply the window into the uterus. It is round, muscular and thick and has a small opening in it. The cervix is the bottom portion of the uterus (the uterus is where a fetus or baby would grow and develop during pregnancy).

The uterus leans forward toward the pubic bone. Inside the uterus on the left and the right sides are two small openings where the fallopian tube connects the ovaries to the uterus. There are two ovaries that have thousands of eggs in them at birth. A woman may release as many as 450 eggs during her reproductive years. After an egg is released from the ovary (ovulation), the fallopian tube carries the egg from the ovary down to the uterus. When pregnancy occurs, it is often because sperm met the egg in the fallopian tube and fertilized it. Later, if the fertilized egg travels down the fallopian tube and implants into the uterus, then conception has taken place (Oliver & Basit, 2023).

Figure 2b: The beginnings of pregnancy (first 9 days) (Hill, 2023b)

Figure 3: Female Reproductive and Sexual Anatomy, Cross-sectional View (Janus & Janus, 1993).

The vagina is approximately three inches long and is made of tissues that are epithelial and mucosal. This means that when blood flow increases to the pelvis, the vagina produces a lubricant in the form of moisture. The vagina is not hollow in the sense that a tube is round and hollow. The vagina is relatively flat and has potential space rather than constantly open space. The vagina has a band of pelvic floor muscles that surround it. One set of muscles is called the pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle) which is located approximately one inch inside the vagina and which also plays a role in sexual pleasure for both partners.

To truly understand how these parts function during sexual intercourse, we need to consider a research-based paradigm developed by Masters and Johnson years ago which they called the sexual response cycle. The sexual response cycle is a model that explains how most people experience four phases when they engage in sexual intercourse: (1) excitement, (2) plateau, (3) orgasm, and (4) resolution.

Masters and Johnson are quick to point out that each individual has a unique and varied sexual response, so much so that no two sexual encounters would be expected to be perfectly identical between the same people. Nevertheless, these four phases are very common among most people.

The Four Phases of the Sexual Response Cycle:

First, the Excitement phase begins when blood flows to the pelvis bringing more lymphatic fluid and plasma to the region. Because of hormonal and psychological stimuli, there is generally swelling in the sexual parts. While this is happening, the second, or plateau phase, begins. During the plateau phase, more hormones are released, moisture increases, heart rate increases, intensity of sensory perception increases (touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste). Sexual excitement increases during the plateau phase until the individual enters the orgasm phase. In the orgasm phase an electrical build up of energy is released that is associated with a rhythmic contraction of the pelvic floor muscles, the urinary and anal sphincters, and of various glands for males. This is called an orgasm. After the orgasm finishes, the last phase, resolution, eventually allows the sexual parts to return to pre-excitement conditions. These are almost identical in every way between males and females, except that there are differing sexual parts for each.

Thus, a sexual response in a typical female would typically follow a pattern similar to this one. In the excitement phase, blood and lymphatic fluids increase swelling inside the vagina. Hormones are secreted which lead to mild uterine contractions which raise the uterus away from the pubic bone. The labia swells and the clitoris becomes hard. The vaginal tissues secrete moisture and the vagina itself lengthens and expands slightly inward.

The plateau phase begins as excitement continues. This causes the labia to become fully swollen, the clitoris to recede under the clitoral hood, and the uterus to become fully elevated (the hormone is called Oxytocin). The vagina is fully lengthened into the body, and, just before orgasm, lubrication ceases. During orgasm, the pelvis of the female experiences a series of contractions which occur every 8/10ths of second and can number anywhere from 1-20 or more in the sequence. The contractions include anal and urinary sphincter contractions, the smooth muscles in the inward portion of the vagina contraction, the pubococcygeus muscle contraction, the uterine contractions which cause the uterus and cervix to dip down into the vagina, and general muscles contractions in the body.

Further, an electrical sensation surges from the clitoris radiating throughout the body and stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain and a release of the hormone called oxytocin. When the orgasm ends, the female enters the resolution phase in which the body eventually returns to its pre-excitement state. In general, females have more capacity to experience more contractions over a longer period of time than do males. Females have been found to have much more capacity for sexual intercourse than males. This means females can have more sexual intercourse, more often, and with more orgasms than can the average male.

The male anatomy is presented in Figure 4. The male has a penis which is composed of 3 spongy-like tissue columns that engorges with blood during excitement. A cross-section of the penis shows two outer columns and one column on the underneath side. The average male penis is just that—average. The average penis is about four to six inches reported by Masters and Johnson. Since the vagina is three inches in length and has very sensitive regions near the outside of the vagina and not so sensitive regions deeper inside, the average male can satisfy the average female in heterosexual intercourse. Urine passes from the urinary bladder and exits at the external urethral orifice at the tip of the penis. The penis is attached inside the body to the pubic bone.

Figure 4: Male Reproductive and Sexual Anatomy, Cross-sectional View (Masters & Johnson, 1966).

There are two testicles inside a pouch called the scrotum. One testicle sits higher than the other. On the back of the testicle is a storage compartment where mature sperm end up before ejaculation. This is called the epididymis. There is a muscle called the dartos muscle (not shown) which elevates and lowers the testicle based on temperature and sexual pleasure. Sperm grow best at about 91 degrees Fahrenheit and most males are at about 98 degrees, so the dartos will raise and lower the testicles if in colder or warmer temperatures.

The testicles produce about 125–250,000,000 sperm every three to four days. More importantly, the testicles produce the sex-drive hormone called testosterone. In males and females, higher levels of testosterone typically mean a higher sex drive (another similarity). The vas deferens will eventually carry the sperm from the epididymis out of the body during the orgasm. The prostate gland swells during excitement and fills with prostatic fluid. The seminal vesicle located above the prostate gland also swells and produces a fluid filled with natural sugars.

For males, in the excitement phase blood and lymphatic fluids increase swelling inside the prostate, seminal vesicle, testicle, scrotum, and the penis. Hormones are secreted which leads to a higher volume of blood flowing into the spongy tissue columns of the penis than flow out. The penis erects this way (sometimes the penis will leak fluid and/or sperm before the orgasm, regularly referred to as “pre-cum”). The scrotum and dartos muscle draw both testicles up toward the pubic bone pressing the epididymis upward. As stimulation continues, the swelling and fluid production continues to increase.

The plateau continues until just before the orgasm. When orgasm begins for males, the penis is most erect. Males reach a point of no return in their orgasms (females do not). The ejaculation of sperm and fluids will continue in males, regardless of continued or interrupted stimulation. Females would experience an interruption of the orgasm when stimulation is interrupted. For males, the orgasm also includes a series of contractions which occur every 8/10ths of second and can number anywhere from one to ten. Most males will have five to six.

The contraction includes anal and urinary sphincter contractions; prostate and seminal vesicle contractions, dartos and scrotum contractions, pelvic floor muscle contractions; penile contractions; and a rhythmic sequence of these in such a way that the ejaculate is expelled from the body out through the penis. The sperm are released from the epididymis and travel through the vas deferens up and around the bladder, then through the ejaculatory duct (where it picks up prostate and seminal fluids), and finally out of the penis. An electrical sensation surges from the prostate gland throughout the body and stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain and a release of the hormone called oxytocin. For males and females, oxytocin brings a feeling of emotional connection.

After an orgasm, males may continue to experience an erection, but will have to wait a while for the central nervous system to reset before they can ejaculate or orgasm again. Most males wait less time when younger and more time when older. For males, an ejaculation during orgasm would be expected, but it is possible (but rare) that ejaculations happen with or without orgasms, and orgasms may happen without ejaculations.

The Sexual Experience

Even though the physiological component of sexuality is common between males and females, the male and female sex drives are not identical. Studies consistently show that sexual desire for women is more sensitive to the context (meaningful or intimate connection) and the social and cultural environment (quality of relationships, stresses of the day, and so on). Generally speaking, most men seek more sex than most women throughout most of their life span. Also, most men are more easily aroused by visual stimulation than are most women.

The Janus Report reported that 65% of men have an orgasm every time during love-making while females reported a much lower 15% every time. About 46% of women report often having an orgasm during love-making, compared to only 28% of men.

For married or cohabiting couples, sexual intercourse includes both pleasure and intimacy. Newlyweds typically have their honeymoon night, and sex becomes a rite of passage that marks the beginning of their full immersion into the marital relationship. In time, husbands and wives have sex for many of the other reasons. Sometimes one spouse has sex to meet the needs or wants of their partners. At other times, sex is a healthy and fun stress relief. Sometimes sex is a convenient way to be affectionate as a giver and a receiver. In relationships, sexual intercourse has many functions including reinforcing commitment and loyalty with one another. To give and receive is pleasurable and bonding during sexual intercourse.

Some couples seeking parenthood will have sex to pleasure themselves while getting pregnant. Many report enhancements of intimacy with less focus on pleasure at moments such as these. Others get distracted because sex becomes goal-oriented rather than simply expressive while trying to make a baby. For long-term relationships that have endured challenges such as hardship, betrayals, offenses, anger, arguments, and ultimately forgiveness, sexual intercourse takes on a profoundness of its own. Those who have short-term relationships miss out on the intimacy payoff that sex provides to those in long-term relationships. Sex becomes a unique way of enhancing trust and closeness while sometimes providing sexual healing to wounded egos and feelings.

Extramarital affairs are intimate relationships with a person other than one’s spouse that may be sexual or nonsexual. Most US extramarital affairs are sexual and non-consented to by one’s spouse. Marital infidelity has been and continues to be disapproved of by the general public. Affairs don’t always lead to marital or relational dissolution, but in most cases it is better if the offending spouse or partner confesses the infidelity rather than simply gets caught.

Sexual Identity

Human beings are socialized into their adult roles and learn their sexual identities along with their gender roles, work roles, and family roles. Sexual orientation is the sexual preference one has for their partner: male, female, both, or neither. There are a few common sexual orientations that can be seen at the societal and personal level. Heterosexuality is the sexual attraction between a male and a female. Homosexuality is a sexual attraction between a male to another male or a female to another female. Bisexuality is a sexual attraction to both male and female sexual partners.

There is a difference in these three dimensions of sexuality: sexual orientation, sexual desire, and sexual behaviors. Sexual desire is the attraction people have for sexual partners and experience that exist independent of their behaviors. Sexual behaviors are people’s actual sexual actions and interactions. It is important to note that orientations, desires, and behaviors are not always the same thing. They do overlap at times. For example, a heterosexual male may have had a homosexual experience in the past or not. He may at times desire males and females regardless of his actual sexual activities. A lesbian female may have had a short-term heterosexual relationship yet define herself as a lesbian.

When considering the congruence of these three concepts, it is helpful to use visual aids. Figure 6 below shows how sexual orientation, desires, and behaviors are at times congruent, meaning they correspond directly with each other; or incongruent, meaning they do not correspond together with each other. These three dimensions of our sexuality are surprisingly incongruent among adults in US society.

Figure 6: Sexual Orientation, Desires, and Behaviors: A Venn Diagram.

Edward O. Laumann et al. wrote the largest sociological study of US sexuality ever published. In this book, he wrote about the prevalence of self-identified sexual orientations. Laumann and the other researchers surveyed about 3,400 respondents. By far, most members of US society are heterosexual. Laumann avoided the use of the words heterosexual or homosexual. He found that 7.1% of males and 3.8% of females have had sex with a partner of the same sex (Laumann, 1994).

Laumann also reported that over 96% of males and 98% of females identified themselves as heterosexual. Only 2% of males and 0.9% of females identified themselves as homosexual, while 0.8% of males and 0.5% of females reported bisexuality. The Janus Report also reported their findings on sexual behaviors and sexual orientation. Their sample reported 22% of men and 17% of women said yes to the question, “Have you had a homosexual experience (Laumann, 1994)?” A recent study conducted in 2018 by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in the United States reported the following percentages of sexual orientations in the United States. Males: straight 97.3%, gay 1.9%, and bisexual 0.8%. Females: straight 96.8%, gay 1.4%, and bisexual 1.8% (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2020).

Janus also reported that 91% of men and 95% of women claimed to be heterosexual; 4% of men and 2% of women claimed to be homosexual; and 5% of men and 3% of women claimed to be bisexual (Laumann, 1994, p. 69, Table 3.14 ). Heterosexuality is by far the most common identification in studies where respondents are asked to identify their sexual orientation (Laumann, 1994, p. 70, Table 3.16). Yet, heterosexuals may have had a variety of sexual experiences in a variety of contexts and still consider themselves to be heterosexual in spite of dimensional discontinuity or continuity. Generally speaking, Janus and Laumann found that the United States is a very sexual nation. They reported that very few men and women reported never having had vaginal sexual intercourse (less than 5%). They reported that men typically have sex sooner than women and that most had sex by age 20. Janus specifically reported that only 9% of men and 17% of women had no sexual experience before marriage (Laumann, 1994).

Sexuality and Politics

Sexual orientation, desires, and behaviors have become extremely politicized. The largest sexual political action committee is the Human Rights Campaign, which emerged in the 1980s as a Gay Community Rights organization. LGBT and LGBTQ have replaced Gay Community as the collective acronym. LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered (occasionally Queer is added by some interest groups). This acronym has been expanded to include I for Intersex and A for Asexual (those who see themselves as asexual or agender). It also may include the plus sign (+) to imply inclusion of any group not represented by LGBTQIA+. The Human Rights Campaign has become the central political action organization for LGBTQ interest groups (Laumann, 1994, p. 87, Table 3.29).

Same-Sex Marriage

Same-sex marriage continues to be a divisive issue around the world. Currently, there are 34 countries which recognize same-sex unions. 

Figure: Countries that recognize Same-Sex Marriage (Wikipedia, 2023b)

   Marriage open to same-sex couples (rings: individual cases) (Wikipedia, 2023b)

   Civil unions or domestic partnerships

   Legislation or binding domestic court ruling establishing same-sex marriage, but marriage is not yet provided for

   Same-sex marriage recognized with full rights when performed remotely or abroad

   Neither same-sex marriage nor civil unions allowed; allows unregistered cohabitation, legal guardianship

   Nonbinding certification

   Limited recognition of marriage performed in certain other jurisdictions (residency rights for spouses)

   Country subject to an international court ruling to recognize same-sex marriage

   Same-sex unions not legally recognized

In the United States, marriage laws are enacted on the state level. In many states, there were various efforts to ban same-sex unions across various states and culminating in the signing of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) by President Bill Clinton in 1996. When same-sex marriage became legally recognized in all states in 2013, DOMA was struck down by the United States Supreme Court (United States v. Windsor) ending the federal constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. In 2015, another court decision established same-sex marriage as a fundamental right (Obergefell v. Hodges), thus legalizing same-sex marriage across the United States (Wikipedia, 2023a).

Figure: Countries with Bans on Same-Sex Marriage

(Wikipedia, 2023b)

   Same-sex marriage banned by secular constitution 

   Same-sex marriage banned by constitutionally mandated Islamic law or morality   Same-sex marriage banned for Muslims 

   No constitutional ban

4B: Communication, Stress, and Conflict

Learning Outcomes

At the end of this chapter you will be able to do the following:

• Define types of arguments.

• Distinguish between needs and wants.

• Relate how to improve communication.

• Apply the Leukemia of Arguments metaphor.

• Define marital entropy.

• Define mood and affect.

• Analyze how power is maintained.

Arguments

“You did.” “No, I didn’t.” “Yes, you did.”

“No, if you remember, it was you.” “Humm, you may be right.”

“I told you so!” “No, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did…”

So often arguments focus on who was right, which facts were involved, and ultimately who is to blame. These types of arguments are annoying both to have and to overhear. These are called non-directional arguments because the underlying issue is not being dealt with in the argument itself. Non-directional arguments happen for many reasons but rarely help resolve an issue. Arguing is a quandary for many people because they believe that arguing is a weakness, sign of trouble, or even a sin. Marriage and family researchers have established for years that it is not the argument that is the problem; it is how the argument transpires that matters.

Directional arguments have a goal or a purpose and usually approach the issue that led to the argument in the first place. It isn’t always obvious how to argue in such a way that it accomplishes something useful. Markman et al. (2001) have established a training program for how to help couples fight for their marriages (Markman et al., 2001). Likewise, John Gottman (2002) published a relationship book that focuses on strategies for healthy arguments (among other strategies) (Gottman, 2002). The core of a healthy argument is to get to the root of the problem in such a way that both parties can be content with the outcomes.

The root cause is often less obvious because we don’t always know exactly what is bugging us. We simply get frustrated or concerned and start talking. If emotions and pride set in, the argument becomes non-directional and burdensome.

Figure 1: Getting to the Core of the Problem: The Roots.

The diagram in Figure 2 shows the same principle found in Figure 1. In Figure 2, the core of the problem lies on the left side of the “root of most disagreements,” and these core issues are common for most people. Our values are what we define as important, desirable, and of merit. Our beliefs are what we define as real and accept as truths in our lives. Needs are those things that are necessary to our existence and wants are those things we would like to have. Our values, beliefs, needs, and wants are typically where most core issues originate.

Let’s walk through the model with a case study. A young couple married and were saving to eventually make a down payment on a home. She worked in the loan department of a bank and he worked in construction. One Friday afternoon, she came home from work. She had a difficult day at work and was especially tired and stressed. She opened the door to their apartment, carrying a box of paperwork in her arms. Not knowing her husband had taken off his muddy work boots, she tripped and almost fell. She sat her box down and looked down only to find that her best work shoes had mud on them and were now scratched. She slipped them off thinking she would have to come back later and clean them up. On the way to the bedroom she tipped over a half-eaten bowl of cereal that dampened her sock and messed up the carpet. She made it to the bedroom and dropped the box on the floor. She took off her socks and put them on the bathroom sink. She then noticed her husband’s muddy pants draped over the toilet. She suddenly realized that within less than one minute, she now had to clean her muddy shoes, her sticky socks, the wet carpet, and the toilet. Just then her husband returned from the mailbox and said, “Honey, I’m home.”

Figure 2: How to Have a Healthy Argument: The Win-Win Model.

Her husband had arrived 30 minutes earlier excited about a pay raise he’d received that day. He had showered, started eating a bowl of cereal, and darted out to get the mail. When he walked in the door she slammed the bedroom door and locked it. “Honey, are you in there?” he asked, knocking on the door. “Leave me alone!” she yelled through the door while crying. “Honey what’s the matter? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine!”

“Did I do something wrong?” 

“No, I did when I married a pig!”

“A pig?”

“Yes, you live like a pig!”

“Well, well whose mother is always meddling in our marriage?”

“What?” She gasped. “Then whose uncle is in prison for life!”

“That’s it.” He stomped out of the apartment and drove off.

This is a non-directional, beating around the bush, and hurtful argument. You can see what happened to them using the diagram in Figure 2. Somewhere between the muddy boots and the toilet, she felt a perceived injustice. She felt like her husband did not respect her need to keep a clean apartment. Her emotional response was anger. It happens to us all, but in this case it wasn’t controlled very well and she took the low-road in this diagram which is the combat response. When she slammed the door and called him a pig, she was attacking him, emotionally, psychologically, and/or intellectually. By doing this, she inadvertently gave him a perceived injustice. He also has values and most likely felt that his need to be respected by his wife was not met. He perceived an injustice of maltreatment and felt hurt, then also took the low road and retaliated with an attack on her mother. Had this argument continued, the vicious cycle of beating around the bush or perpetually providing each partner with a perceived injustice, emotional response, and combat opportunity may have continued. Notice that the core issues were never dealt with in their communication. Never in this exchange did either of them get to their needs, wants, values, or beliefs. She came from a home where her mother was an immaculate homemaker, stay-at-home mother, and artist. She and her mother prided themselves on the cleanliness and order of their homes. She married a young man whose mother cleaned up after him. He could count on one hand the number of times he cleaned his room while growing up. They chose each other! On top of that, she was stressed and tired, and he was jubilant from the good week at work and pay raise. Neither is to blame. Arguments happen to everyone and unhealthy ones will be the pattern unless they do something about it. They both had to modify their behaviors so that they could get to the core issues and support one another.  To do that, they’d have to take the high road.

Improving Communication

The high road in this model offers problem resolution strategies which have been around the counseling and communications literature for many years. They’ve been researched and discussed in numerous self-help and consulting books over the last two decades. They work well and offer techniques which facilitate a healthy argument and outcome. The first strategy is to negotiate a win-win solution. The goal is that everyone can find a way to work out an argument or disagreement so that the other person feels like he or she came out with his or her needs addressed and met as well. Think about it, if you always win, then your partner always loses. That would make her or him a loser, and who wants to be married to a loser? Figure 3 shows the diagram of how a couple forms an entity called the We.

A couple is simply a pair of people who identify themselves in terms of belonging together, trusting one another, and having a unique relationship, separate from all others. A We is close to the same thing, yet it focuses on the relationship as an entity in itself. A We as shown in this diagram is a married couple but can include cohabiters, or other intimate non-married couple arrangements. This is a relationship that is not intimately connected to any other relationships as profoundly as they are connected to one another. A We is much like a vehicle that two people purchase together. Both have to put in maintenance. Both have to care for it and treat it in such a way that it runs for a long time. Sometimes, spouses or partners attack the other in such a way that the other is harmed or damaged in their trust. A We is the social and emotional boundary a couple establishes when they decide to become a couple. This boundary includes only the husband and wife. It purposely excludes the children, extended family, co-workers, and friends.

When one spouse is made to feel like the loser, then it’s like getting upset and scratching the car’s paint or stabbing a tire with a screwdriver. How long can a car last if one inflicts damage in this way? The key is to remember that together you have formed a social bond that can only be as strong as its weakest part. Many non-directional arguments weaken one or both partners and can lead to an eventual abandonment of the relationship since this undermines the emotional connection and bond.

Figure 3: How the Couple Forms a We

Knowing a strategy to create a win-win situation makes it much more likely to happen. Think about what you might need if you were the couple in the story above. What might she desire? Perhaps she’d like for him not to make messes for her. What might he desire? Perhaps he’d like for her to refrain from calling him farm animal names. So, later, after both have cooled down they may decide to talk about what happened and forgive one another. Then, they might try to answer this key question, each taking a turn to listen to the other, “What was really at the core of your concern?”

“Well, I’ve talked to you for nearly two years about how hard it is for me to feel love for you when I pick up after you and clean up your messes,” she might say.

“Well, I’ve heard you and your family members call people names when they are not present, and I need for you to refrain from calling me names like that,” he might say.

Then they can answer this healthy, pro-couple, and mutually nurturing question, “What can we agree upon to help us meet each other’s needs better so we can avoid arguments like this in the future?” What might be your suggestion to them in answer to that question? Keep in mind that it is very difficult for humans to change their natures. It is much easier for humans to change one very specific unwanted behavior. Knowing that, you could urge them to consider working together as a team with a reward at the end of a designated period of time. They might agree that she will not call him any farm animal names for 90 days. He in turn will make sure that his muddy boots are not in her path for 90 days. If they both live up to their end of the bargain, they might reward themselves with a weekend away together. This would not only be a win-win, but it would be realistically attainable for a young couple. It also avoids damaging the We while supporting it in the long run because it deals with their root core issues.

Now, some of you may feel frustrated that she didn’t negotiate a completely mess-free home. I’d argue that it’s much easier to change when the individual himself is motivated to make the change, not his spouse and working on one specific behavior is much more likely to produce lasting change. It’s also a fact that we choose who we marry or pair off with, and they are who they are. In most relationships, it’s unfair to say to a spouse or partner that “I love you just the way you are, so let’s get married,” then later turn around and say, “I loved you the way I thought you were, but could you please change that to what I now think I want you to be?”

If we don’t want to change, we won’t. It also gets more difficult to change the older we get. Most of us don’t want to change ourselves, especially in dramatic ways. If, for whatever reason, you decide to change a behavior, keep in mind these three levels of recognizing where you may be on the path to change. Let’s say you wanted to stop getting angry while driving your car on the freeway. So, you set a goal to go one month without using profanities while driving. Sure enough, after a long day and busy afternoon rush hour, you slip up and let the words fly. This is the first level of personal behavior change, when you catch yourself after the fact. In other words, you did it again and realized it too late.

But, you don’t give up on your goal. Next week, after a long day and in the middle of a jam up of stopped traffic, you start with the profanities but catch yourself mid-sentence and control your language. The second level of change is catching yourself in the middle of the act of the behavior you are trying to change. The third level is when you finally recognize which triggers set off this pattern of profanity for you. You realize that you curse more after stressful days at work and during traffic jams that slow your speed while traveling to the daycare to pick up your child.

At the third level, you can prepare how you will manage the stressors and thus prevent another slip up. Perhaps, you might put the radio on for easy listening, decide that being late back home is acceptable even if it costs a few more dollars for daycare, and or put on a self-help podcast or audiobook to listen to during the delay. Either way, we can change our own behaviors if we are persistent and patient. But, rarely can we change the behaviors of others.

The second option under Figure 2, Problem Resolution Strategies is to Agree as a Gift. This is to be done only in very unique circumstances. Agreeing as a gift means that you are willing to give in on something of importance at your root level. Let’s use the example of a couple who were building their own home. They were exhausted and burned out. One day, during a normal morning start to the day, he mentioned that in the day’s schedule he wanted to go down to the brickyard and pick out the brick. He’d assumed that brick would be the best way to go. She brought up the point that she had already mentioned using stone instead of brick to him months before and had already picked out three types she really liked. They ended up in a heated argument. The next day, he expressed his sorrow for assuming that she would just go with him on the brick idea. He then offered her this olive leaf, “I’ll support whatever stone you think is best for the outside of our new home.” She was surprised and asked him why he’d give in like that. “You spend more time at home with the children. You grew up in a home faced with stone, and to me, I just was trying to be efficient about getting this home built and it really didn’t matter for me as much as it does for you.”

They both then talked about how tired and worn out they had become and how dangerous building a home can be to a marital relationship. In this case, he offered to agree as a gift. It wasn’t a negotiation for future authority to decide on a home trait. It was an unattached gift. It’s important not to give in all the time; a one-sided relationship is not satisfying for either person in the long run. Martyrs always give in and find themselves unhappy with the direction of the relationship. The We is strong because of many negotiations which ensure that both parties can have their core issues addressed while meeting the needs of the other. If you sense the issue is more important to your partner than it is to you, give in.

Problem Resolution Strategy three is to simply learn to live with differences in a relationship. Most couples do have irreconcilable differences in their marriage or relationship. Most couples realize that each is an individual and each has uniqueness that they bring to the We which makes it what it is in terms of richness and viability. Some people think that their partner should change because their happiness may depend upon it. Many studies suggest that individuals are as happy as they choose to be, regardless of the change that does or does not transpire in their relationship. Happiness is a conscious choice and exists when the individual persists in feeling happy even in difficult circumstances (Frankl, 2006).

Finally, Problem Resolution Strategy four is to simply change yourself. If you came from a home where a clean home reflected upon your self-worth, where a clean home meant a happy home, and where a clean home meant that you and your mother were close, and then you married a guy who never did housework, why should he have to change? He might learn to share the housework responsibilities over the years, but in the reality of things it might be easier to redefine the meaning of a clean home to yourself than to ask another individual to be something else in an attempt to accommodate your current tastes.

The model in Figure 2 is a useful way of understanding where arguments come from and how they might be best managed in such a way that the We is ultimately nurtured because the root issues are addressed by one another. One last suggestion in having a healthy argument, remember that not all issues are created equally.

Some arguments originate from a disease level in one of the partner’s personalities—the Leukemia of arguments. They stem from an underlying medical condition that requires professional intervention. Many personality disorders might lead a couple to professional counseling and can undermine the We if not treated professionally. Just like Leukemia, if professional help is not sought, the relationship may suffer and might die.

Then there are the day-to-day arguments that are very common during the first three years. How to squeeze the toothpaste tube, how to cook an omelet, and how to drive to a destination are common issues of these arguments, especially among newlyweds. These arguments can be useful in the sense that they give the couple practice in having healthy arguments. Peaceful resolution of these minor arguments are a training ground for resolving major arguments.

Practice is important because major arguments threaten the very life of the relationship if unchecked. These occur when the very core values, beliefs, needs, and wants of a spouse are at stake. For example, the belief that marital sexuality should be exclusive to the couple is a deeply held belief that most couples respect. But when an extramarital affair does occur, the We has been damaged, and it takes a tremendous amount of concerted effort to repair trust.

When arguing, first focus on the issues at hand and how to create a win-win outcome. Second, don’t let others into the boundaries of your We. An argument should be between the partners, not the aunts, uncles, parents, children, or friends. Third, let professionals give you some training on how to argue in healthier ways. There is no need to reinvent the wheel when thousands of studies have been published on relationships. Self-help books and seminars can be very useful. And fourth, treat your relationship the same way you’d treat a nice car. Care for it, perform preventative maintenance, and avoid the tendency to ignore it, neglect it, or damage it.

Family Scientists have borrowed from the physics literature a concept called entropy which is roughly defined as the principle that matter tends to decay and reduce toward its simplest parts. For example, a new car if parked in a field and ignored would eventually decay and rot. A planted garden if left unmaintained would be overrun with weeds, pests, and yield low, if any, crop. Marital Entropy is the principle that if a marriage does not receive preventive maintenance and upgrades, it will move towards decay and break down.

Couples who realize that marriage is not constant bliss and that it often requires much work experience more stability and strength than those who do not nurture their marriage. Those who treat their marriage like a nice car and become committed to preventing breakdowns rather than waiting to repair them reap the benefits. These couples read and study experts like Gottman, Cherlin, Markman, Popenoe, and others who have focused their research on how to care for the marriage, acknowledging the propensity relationships have to decay if unattended.

There are some basic principles that apply to communication with others. It is very important to know what you feel and say what you mean to say. It sounds simple, but people are not always connected to their inner issues. Our issues lie deep within us. Often, we just see the tip of them like we might only see the tip of an iceberg. Some of us are strangers to them while others are very aware of what the issues are. When an argument arises, you might ask yourself these self-awareness questions. How did it happen, what led up to it, and what was at stake for you? This helps many to get to the underlying issue.

Not only is it difficult for some of us to know what our issues are, but many of us have had relationships end painfully or with hurt feelings. These past hurts may inhibit open communication in current relationships.

Non-verbal Communication

Another crucial part of communication is the ability to communicate at the non-verbal level. Both non-verbal and verbal communication is essential for truly understanding one another. Non-verbal communication includes touch, gestures, facial expression, eye contact, distance, and overall body positioning. Touch is an essential part of the human experience. For the most part, women are very clear on which types of touch they give and receive. Women have cultural permission to be more affectionate with one another in the United States. Men typically refrain from touching other men in heterosexual contexts (except in sports). Men touch women more than other men. Interestingly, comparing male to female newborns, most males enjoy their mothers’ physical closeness while the females enjoy the social interactions. Men have difficulties in distinguishing the varieties of touch and their intended purposes.

Gestures vary between cultures. You’ve heard the phrase “talking with your hands.” This is common in various parts of the United States among hearing individuals. Hands are moved in conjunction with words to emphasize and illustrate the point being shared. Deaf persons also communicate with a common form of non-verbal language called American Sign Language (ASL). Many parents teach ASL to their smaller children because toddlers can learn signs long before they can verbally articulate words. Gestures reinforce verbal messages and can be very useful in understanding a person’s intended message.

Eye contact is an extremely important aspect of communication. Making eye contact is difficult for some because the eyes truly do tell on the state of one’s emotions. The most common form of faking eye contact is the eye brow or forehead stare. Men are especially guilty of this because they are trying to communicate and, as Deborah Tannen pointed out, also trying not to be vulnerable (Tannen, 1991).

The average person in mainstream US society needs about 30–36 inches of space between him or her and another person. Strangers keep this distance where possible. Intimates close the gap to the point where they are very close side-by-side, touching at the hip, legs, and so on. When people argue, they often increase the distance. When people are being formally introduced to another, they often maintain it. We not only want about three feet of distance between us and others, we also want people to stay about that far away from our desk, doors, and even vehicles. This is in part why elevators are so uncomfortable; they don’t easily give us our three feet of space. Closing that distance with a stranger can be viewed as an act of aggression.

Finally, body positioning can be very insightful to a person’s disposition. You’ve probably already heard about the body positions that close other people out. There is the folding of the arms across the chest, the crossing of one’s legs, and the turning oneself around offering the back rather than the front to another person.

Therapists use verbals and nonverbals to assess both mood and affect. Mood is one’s state of emotional being and is typically detected by the words and patterns of speaking a person uses. Affect is one’s emotion or current feeling and is judged by a person’s non-verbal messages.

Avoiding Communication

All of us have vulnerabilities in our lives. We tend to cover them up and hide them for fear of them being exposed. Interestingly, when we find that when we get to know someone we really care about and they accept our vulnerabilities, it is a sign of love that often supports a decision to pair off together. Some people don’t ever want to experience conflict.

Conflict avoidant people tend to work extra hard to avoid conflict with others and often sacrifice the needed attention to issues that are required for a relationship to last. Conflict avoidant people rarely complain and some live like this forever, while others experience a buildup of feelings and are very unhappy.

Each of us has painful experiences that are difficult to deal with. Sometimes we suppress them and bury them in the back of our mind. Sometimes we deny they even occurred. Sometimes we take these issues from our past and lay them onto our current relationships or project them onto our current partner. In all cases, the root core issue is difficult to access yet still plays an important role in our daily interactions. Fear is very destructive to relationships. Fear is like a loudspeaker of an emotion that can drown out reason and other emotions that pertain to our relationships. It is easy to respond to and often hard to understand.

Fear is like a super hot pepper. Our other emotions are more subtle like a grape. It is very difficult to taste a grape while simultaneously chewing on a hot pepper. Fears come from past hurts and pains. Rarely do they guide us in rationally effective ways. It’s estimated that 90% of what we fear never happens. If the 10% does occur, most of us can turn to others for support and get through it. Fear can shut open communication completely off, but if we can manage our fears, they will not manage us.

Deborah Tannen, an author and professor, talks about how we are socialized or raised by those around us. To her it’s about what we learn to expect from ourselves in the role of males or females that shapes how we communicate. The research she presents allows us to see how men are raised aware of their place in society. They are constantly aware that someone around them is bigger, stronger, faster, richer, and so on. They know their place and work hard not to have someone of higher status put them down. Tannen claims that this approach to relationships—avoiding being put down and being very aware of status issues—is why many men refrain from opening up in conversation. Opening up puts them at risk of being put down.

To Tannen, women are raised in the context of relationships. They spend much of their lives reinforcing and strengthening relationships with friends and family. They are aware that informal rules guide their relationships, and they put a great deal of effort into how to maintain good relationships so that they don’t find themselves socially isolated from others. This is why women tend to maintain more relationships than men and why men and women struggle to connect. Women approach the conversation with an effort to connect and maintain the relationship while men approach it trying to gain status or not be put at risk.

The real value of any gender self-help communication book is not that it identifies what all women or all men will say—that never happens because there is no generalized pattern of communication that all men or women fit into. The ultimate value of self-help gender communication books is to expand your understanding enough to see that your spouse or friend may simply be different from you and not wrong, mean, or uncooperative.

Power

When two people communicate, they share a certain degree of power during the conversation. The Conflict Theory tells us that power is more often than not distributed unevenly. When we carry on conversations, we sometimes find ourselves having more or less power in the conversation. The principle of least interest simply states that the partner who is least interested has the most power. In other words, if you really want the relationship to work more than the other person, you have less power. If the other person wants the relationship to work more than you do, then you have more power. When relationships form, power changes hands from time to time depending on the nuances of the day-to-day interactions of the couple. Typically, women assume more responsibility for relationship maintenance in heterosexual couple’s interactions.

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