• Chapter 2 - Self Communication

    • Chapter 2 - Self Communication


    “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.”

    D&C 18:10


    Think about it

    Why is it important to have an accurate understanding of who you are?

    How you communicate with yourself affects all future communication.

    You can’t change how you think.

    If you don’t accept yourself, no one will notice.

    Righteous people never struggle with self-esteem.

    REFLECT or DISCUSS: Who are you? What is your purpose?

      Learning Objectives

    • Define intrapersonal communication and understand the impact on your communication.
    • Understand self-esteem, self-concept, self-monitoring, and the ideal and real self.
    • Understand self-talk and psychological vultures.
    • Develop intrapersonal communication skills. 

    Understanding Self Communication

    “Who am I?” and “What is my purpose?”

    These are questions you may have considered in your life. This week, you will learn about the longest-running conversation you will have in your life: your intrapersonal communication or self-communication.

    Sister Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women general president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, at the 189th Semiannual General Conference October 5, 2019.
    Bonnie D. Cordon was called to serve as the General Young Women's president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2018. Source: 2019 by Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved.

    When Bonnie D. Cordon was called to serve as the General Young Women’s president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the prophet, Russell M. Nelson asked her: “Bonnie, what’s the most important thing the [youth] need to know?”

    She responded, “They need to know who they are.”

    “YES!” he exclaimed, “and they need to know their purpose.”1

    Intrapersonal communication is made up of the ideas and thoughts in your head. It's an inner conversation between you and yourself. Most communication starts here. 

    Your intrapersonal communication begins before you give structure to your ideas through verbal or nonverbal communication. You are constantly talking to yourself in your mind. Your brain sifts through memories, thoughts, and ideas. In this inner conversation, you plan what you are going to say, compute what you have heard or seen, and compare what you’ve experienced to what you are experiencing now. How you communicate with yourself affects all other communication.2

    Stop what you are doing and spend the next sixty seconds listening to your inner conversation. What did you say to yourself? 

    Intrapersonal Perception  

    How you perceive yourself impacts your communication. If you label yourself as unintelligent, you may find it difficult to share what you think. If you consider yourself shy, you may feel awkward talking to strangers. Your negative thoughts can lead to negative outcomes, as can your positive thoughts. 

    According to the theory of self-fulfilling prophecy, if you anticipate a negative result, the odds of getting a negative result are likely. However, anticipating a positive result usually results in a positive experience. Imagine this as a movie playing in your mind of the expected outcome over and over again, but you can control the ending. Positive visualization is a constructive form of self-fulfilling prophecy. When you accept responsibility for changing things, you will find you can change them.  

    How you feel about yourself also influences your relationships. If you do not accept yourself, others will likely be less accepting of you as well. Your lack of confidence can be sensed by others, affecting your social life, your friendships, and your family. At work, lacking confidence can affect your ability to have positive workplace relationships, market yourself in interviews, and connect with customers. It is important to learn about yourself and how to make positive changes. 

    Who Are You? 

    “The unexamined life is not worth living,” according to philosopher Socrates.3 Part of understanding who you are is looking at what defines you: your self-concept, self-esteem, self-monitoring, ideal self, and real self.  

    Girl pondering

    Take time to examine your life as you read about the vocabulary of this class and the many kinds of “selves” there are. Source: Pexels.com 

    Self-concept

    Self-concept is who you think you are, including the attributes you believe you possess.4 An attribute is a characteristic, feature, or quality. According to one study, these are the top 10 most positively viewed attributes:

    1. Honest
    2. Likable
    3. Compassionate
    4. Respectful
    5. Kind
    6. Sincere
    7. Trustworthy
    8. Ethical
    9. Good-Natured
    10. Honorable

    Which of these attributes do you see in yourself? Which attributes do you value most in others? 

    Your self-concept also includes who you believe you are physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally as well as what purpose you feel you have in this life. It includes the roles you play: a student, son/daughter, husband/wife,  parent, co-worker, musician, artist, or entrepreneur.

    Effective communication starts with knowing your strengths and weaknesses so you express yourself with confidence. When you are confident and know who you are, you communicate clearly and feel confident sharing what you believe. Confidence does not mean pride. Accepting yourself as a person of worth doesn’t mean you are boasting. When you are confident, you know more about yourself, your skills, and your talents than others do. Accepting yourself as a person of worth should be an important goal you set for yourself.  

    Self-esteem 

    Self-concept answers the question, “Who am I?” while self-esteem answers the question, “How do I feel about who I am?” Self-esteem and self-concept are both ways to define yourself.  

    Self-esteem evaluates how you feel about yourself and how much you value yourself. It is related to your self-concept. You attach feelings to each role you play in your life. You might see yourself as a bad student, loving son/daughter,  invested spouse, lazy parent, boring co-worker, talented musician, creative artist, or poor entrepreneur.  

    People with high self-esteem tend to think well of others while those who have low self-esteem dislike themselves and often believe that others don’t like them either. People with low self-esteem might act in hostility toward others. Sometimes those with low self-esteem feel they need to put others down because they believe that’s the only way to make themselves look and feel better.6  

    Self-esteem is a personal evaluation of abilities and limitations and is based on emotions and opinions—not on facts. Many people suffer from what is called the impostor syndrome. They doubt their knowledge and skills, so they live in constant fear that others will find out that they are not who they say they are. Research in this area generally shows that these fears are not based on any kind of evidence. Instead, these individuals’ emotions and opinions of themselves are fed by mismatched self-concepts. People in a variety of occupations suffer from imposter syndrome including doctors, CEOs, academics, movie stars, and artists. Again, it’s important to remember that the perceptions of impostor syndrome are not based on objective reality. Imagine a doctor who has gone through a great deal of college and training only to worry that someone will find out that he/she isn't that smart. Imposter syndrome feels true even though there’s no objective basis for this perception. 

    Abilities

    What do you understand about your abilities? Abilities are the acquired or natural capacity for specific talents, skills, or proficiencies that facilitate achievement or accomplishment. Someone’s abilities can be inherent or they can be learned. For example, people with excellent reflexes and a strong spatial awareness may find that their natural ability to play sports differs from those with poor reflex speed or sense of self in space. That’s not to say that both people cannot play sports, but they will both have different ability levels. However, they can both play sports because they can learn skills necessary to play: positions, movement, or rules of the game. Professional-level players need to have a combination of both natural and acquired abilities.

    Abilities can be broken down into two different categories: talent and skills. First, talent is usually more of a natural capacity or gift. For example, someone may look like the ideal football player physically, but the person may have no talent for the game. Sometimes people call talent the “it factor” because it’s often hard to explain why some people have it and others don’t. Second, skills refer to an individual’s use of knowledge or physical being to accomplish a specific task. You might think of skills in terms of the things you learn to do. For example, most people can learn to swim or ride a bike. Doing this may take some time to learn, but you can develop the skills necessary to move in the water or the skills necessary to achieve balance and pedal the bike.

    Just because people learn the skills to do something does not mean that they can accomplish the task. Think back to when you first learned to ride a bicycle (or another task). Most have to try and try again before you find yourself pedaling on your own without falling over. The first time you got on the bicycle and fell over, you didn’t have the ability to ride a bike. You may have had a general understanding of how it worked, but there’s often a large gap between knowing how something is done and then actually achieving or accomplishing it. 

    Limitations

    In addition to one’s abilities, it’s always important to recognize that you have limitations. Everyone has limitations on what you can and cannot do. It could be a physical limitation, like being too small for a certain activity. Limitations can be mental or emotional, based on current life circumstances and the stress you balance. It could also be a time constraint because of your roles and responsibilities. 

    Self-esteem is largely about how you evaluate your limitations. Do you recognize your limitations and they don’t bother you? Or do your limitations prevent you from being happy with yourself? When it comes to understanding limitations, it’s important to distinguish between the limitations that you can change and the limitations you cannot change—a distinction that can be difficult for many.

    Self-esteem and communication

    You may be wondering by this point about the importance of self-esteem in interpersonal communication. Self-esteem and communication have a relationship (as shown in the figure below). Your communication with others impacts your self-esteem, and your self-esteem impacts your communication with others. As such, your self-esteem and communication are constantly being influenced by each other.

    Self-Esteem and Communication Cycle: Communication affects self esteem and self esteem affects communication.
    Self-esteem and communication are parts of a cycle that impacts one another. 

    As such, interpersonal communication and self-esteem cannot be separated. Your interpersonal communication is not the only factor that impact self-esteem, but interpersonal interactions are one of the most important factors in determining your self-esteem.

    At the same time, because you perceive that others are judging you, you tend to shape a façade, or presenting self, to match that perception. For example, if you work in the customer service industry, you may sense that you are expected to smile. Since you want to be viewed positively, you put on a fake smile no matter what is going on in your personal life. Subsequently, others may start to view you as a happy person because you always seem to be in a good mood. Thankfully, you don’t manage your impressions in this way all the time, or you would drive yourself crazy. 

    Instead, there are certain people in your life whose opinions you worry more about than others. Think of these people as significant others. Imagine you are working in a new job. You respect your new boss, and you want to gain their respect in return. At the same time, you believe that your boss thinks you are not serious enough about your job. As a result, you alter your behavior to be more in line with what you believe your boss sees as “serious.” In this situation, your boss didn’t come out and say that you were not a serious worker, but you altered your behavior based on your belief to be seen in a better light.

    Self-monitoring

    Self-monitoring means paying attention to how you appear to others. Individuals differ in the degree to which they can monitor and control their behaviors based on social rules of interpersonal interaction. Some individuals are good at selecting appropriate behavior in light of a situation. They are high self-monitors. High self-monitors want others to view them in a certain way (impression management), so they use communicative behaviors that ensure suitable or positive public appearances. On the other hand, some people are unaware of or unconcerned with how others view them and act consistently across all communicative contexts despite variations in cultural rules and norms. These people are low self-monitors.

    Interpersonally, high self-monitors tend to have more meaningful and satisfying interpersonal interactions with others. Individuals who are low self-monitors tend to have more problems and less satisfying interpersonal relationships with others. In romantic relationships, high self-monitors tend to develop connections much faster than individuals who are low self-monitors. 

    Furthermore, high self-monitors tend to build lots of friendships with a broad range of people. Low self-monitors may only have a handful of friends, but these friendships tend to have more depth. High self-monitors are also more likely to take on leadership positions and get promoted in an organization when compared to their low self-monitoring partners. Overall, self-monitoring is an important dispositional characteristic that impacts interpersonal relationships.

    Ideal Self

    This ideal self is the version of yourself that you would like to be, which is created through your life experiences, cultural demands, and expectations of others.6 The real self, on the other hand, is the person you are. The ideal self is perfect and ultimately, often unattainable. When your real self and ideal self are not remotely similar, you should consider whether the idealized version is attainable. It’s also important to know that the ideal self is continually evolving as your life experiences and situations change. Most people's ideal selves have evolved over time. 

    Think about it: What does your ideal self look like?

    A woman looking at her reflection in the mirror
    Consider what you see when you look at an internal "looking glass." Source: Shopify.com

    Self-talk and Overcoming “Vultures”

    Self-talk is speaking internally to yourself. Sometimes you are conscious of the words in your head, but sometimes self-talk is silent, an inner whisper of which you are barely aware. Self-talk can also trigger nonverbal reactions. For example, you may remember an embarrassing moment in your mind and shudder. You could recall something amusing and smile. Even though it may be quiet, self-talk’s impact can be enormous. 

    Self-talk shapes your attitude; your attitudes shape your behavior, and your behavior—how you act—shapes the results you get. Whether you are aware of it or not, you continually communicate with yourself: rehashing past conversations, imagining the future, and practicing future interactions.

    Self-talk is important for processing who you are. Your self-talk can work for or against you. If you tell yourself you’re clumsy or awkward, it will influence you in that direction. This processing can be positive or negative.

    Don’t Feed the Vulture

    An Angry Vulture
    Beware of "psychological vultures" that feed on your negative thoughts and statements. Source: Pexel.com

    Self put-downs or insults act like a vulture. A vulture is a bird of prey that feeds on dead things. A psychological vulture feeds on negative thoughts and statements.7 Some of these negative thoughts grow from the criticism of others. You have the choice to either let these thoughts consume you or fight them. Consider if you hear these kinds of statements in your head: 

    Do any of these vulture statements sound familiar to you? Learn to recognize these vulture-feeding statements when they appear in your mind and evaluate them critically. 

    Challenge Negative Self-talk

    You don't have to give power to negative self-talk. All positive change begins with positive thinking. When you have "vultures" in your mind, get rid of them with reality testing, alternative explanations, perspective-checking, and goal-setting. 

    Try reality testing. 

    Look for alternative explanations.

    Put it in perspective.

    Use goal-directed thinking.

    The next time those “vultures” start circling you, remove your negative self-talk. When you practice self-compassion, you start “plucking the feathers” of those vultures. The more you treat yourself with self-compassion and kindness and work against those vulture statements, the smaller and less powerful those vultures get.

    Vultures attacking a person with mean words
    Psychological vultures feed on negative thoughts and actions. Don’t "feed" your vultures.

    Intrapersonal Skills

    Some interpersonal communication skills are directly linked to your intrapersonal communication. Your relationships with others are influenced by your self-communication. 

    These interpersonal skills all start with a positive self-concept.8 

    Self-disclosure 

    You know more about yourself than anyone. Deliberately revealing information about yourself to others, such as your history, your emotions, and your thoughts, is known as disclosure. Some information is basic or superficial, like your favorite book, while other information is deeply personal, like your religious beliefs. Self-disclosure can improve intimacy (or closeness) in relationships because when you share information about yourself, you allow yourself to be known more fully. Self-disclosure communicates that you trust the person to whom you are opening up. Deciding to disclose can have a positive or negative effect on your personal and professional relationships. Deciding to disclose can be challenging because of trust and fear.

    Deciding whether to disclose:

    Self-disclosure is more likely to be appropriate if you consider the situation, the topic, your motivation, and the risks and benefits of disclosing. Once information has been revealed, it is no longer exclusively under your control. How well you know the other person and whether or not the atmosphere of your relationship is supportive influence how vulnerable you allow yourself to become. The amount and type of disclosure are based on the recognition that people who open themselves up can be hurt by others’ actions and reactions. 

    Consider culture and gender differences when deciding to disclose. Some cultures are very open while some cultures keep information private. Gender can also play a role in disclosure. Regardless of where you live, men tend to disclose less than women.  

    Employees who feel isolated often will not stay at a job, and disclosure often connects employees. Those who feel connection and social support at work have more motivation to help each other, their organization, and even the customers. Coworkers who are friends look out for each other and teach and support each other. As feelings of confidence improve, so do employees choosing to stay at a job. Employees who communicate often increase how much work they are able to do because they don't waste time wondering what to do or how to do it because they feel comfortable to ask.  

    However, sharing too much in a work environment can be dangerous. Habits like gossip foster an uncomfortable, overly-personal, and even unsafe environment. Some boundaries should be maintained and certain things should be shared only with good friends, not casual coworkers. Some helpful guidelines to help you with disclosure at work:

    1. Be professional but friendly. 
    2. Make time for informal communication. Stop by a co-worker's desk to say hello or ask about their weekend plans. 
    3. Be a good listener to others who are sharing.
    4. Use appropriate disclosure as a tool to connect yourself to someone else by allowing others to (appropriately) know more about you and invite a closer, more social relationship (as discussed in Chapter 4).  
    5. Remember to value yourself when confronting or sharing with others; you don't have to share if you are not comfortable.   
    6. Watch for nonverbal cues that you may have shared too much. The workplace should be a professional and safe environment. If you find someone avoiding you, it may indicate you have made him/her uncomfortable.

    There may be times when you need to disclose sensitive information at work, including when you notice inappropriate or hurtful behavior. 

    1. Describe what happened. “I saw you come in late to my presentation.”  
    2. Describe how you felt about it. Use personal pronouns (I, me, my) to indicate that you own the message from your personal perspective. “I thought that meant you didn’t care about what I was saying.” 
    3. Describe what it meant. Be realistic and specific. Avoid attacking statements like, “You are rude, and you do this to annoy me.” Instead, try something like, “The last two times I presented you came in late. It seems to me that you might have a problem with the way I present. I would like you to come on time to support me at work.” 
    4. Ask for more information. Your view may not be the universal truth. Give the other person the respect to be heard, as you have expected to be heard. Listen and make your message more clear.

    Approval Seeking

    Most people want to be liked and accepted, but approval-seeking behaviors can work against you, especially if you have low self-esteem and try to please others at the cost of your own needs or feelings. This behavior turns your destiny over to other people. No one should make you feel you have no worth. Berko, Aitken, and Wolvin (2010) recommend the following: 

    1. No one has to be liked by everyone. You shouldn’t intentionally alienate others, but you can have confidence in yourself and your ideas. 
    2. Believe in yourself. Everyone will not always agree with what you say, so don’t believe everything that someone else says or believes, especially about your worth. 
    3. Trust yourself. You can follow your perceptions based on your personal experiences and values as you trust your feelings.
    4. Know the difference between your feelings and your thoughts. What you feel is emotional and what you think is logical. You don’t need proof for your feelings. 
    5. Stop saying sorry for your beliefs. Avoid phrases like “This is probably a bad idea” or “Excuse me for suggesting this.” This takes away the value of what you are trying to say. 
    6. There will always be problems, frustrations, and failures in life, but you don’t need everyone’s approval on everything you do.

    Having a clear self-concept and high self-esteem will help you avoid approval-seeking behaviors that stop you from doing your best work. 

    Marie K. Hafen (2000) shared at a BYU-Idaho devotional that, “One crucial truth, in the long run--and the short--is that only the Lord's approval of you really matters. When your identity is secure, when the knowledge that you are God's and He is yours, burns in your bones stronger than anything else you know, only then are you free to discover the fullest measure of who you are. Feeling His love is worth more than any other reassurance. If your belief is not yet something you know for yourself--how happy you will be when you do know! Talk to Him. You are everything to Him--His work and His glory. He will let you know He is there when you are in unfamiliar territory and stretched to your greatest extremes. He will never let you down.”9 

    Handling Criticism

    Criticism is the act of judging someone, and few people handle criticism well.8 It hits at the core of who you are and makes you wonder if you truly understand yourself. It might make you feel inadequate and without worth.

    However, constructive criticism can be helpful, and a competent communicator with high self-esteem can accept the opportunity to change. Constructive criticism is helpful information aimed at you with no intention of harm on the part of the giver. It focuses on improvement, not tearing you down. 

    How to respond to constructive criticism: 

    1. Seek information. Ask for specific examples. Accept “I saw you do this yesterday and also this morning,” not “You just always do that.” 

    2. Paraphrase or repeat the accusation and ask if that is what he or she really meant. For example, “You said I did this all the time. Can you tell me what you mean by this and give me an example of when I did this?”

    3. Listen. Agree to what is true. “You are right. I did that this morning.” You can agree with their perception. “I never thought about it that way.” 

    You can recognize that the criticism might be well-intentioned. However, it also doesn’t mean that the other person is always right, you are always wrong, or you must take anyone’s suggestions. You can listen and learn and do as you wish as long as you are willing to accept the consequences. 

    Apologizing

    A sad woman
    Apologies are not about who won or lost. It takes strength to apologize with confidence. Source: Pixels.com 

    Recognizing that you are wrong or that you have offended someone else can strike at your self-concept and allow previously-mentioned psychological vultures to invade your mind with thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “Why am I so stupid?” It takes someone with a strong self-concept to apologize with confidence, knowing that apologizing, or recognizing you have done something wrong and saying sorry or trying to make it right, doesn’t make you a weak or bad person. It shows respect for someone who may have been offended and protects the relationship. Every person has done or said hurtful things. Repentance and change are part of learning in this life. Apologizing to someone is a skill that can be learned. Apologies are not about who won or lost. An apology is a genuine expression of regret for inappropriate words or actions.8 

    Making an effective apology:

    1. Take responsibility. Apologies start with being willing to change your behavior. Recognize your actions caused a problem for the other person. 

    2. Explain—if it is appropriate. Perhaps you had a bad day and took it out on someone. You may choose to disclose as part of your apology, but be careful not to justify your behavior. This negates the apology.   

    3. Show regret. The other person needs to see that you are aware that what you did was wrong. “I shouldn’t have done that.” 

    4. Repair damage—or at least try. “What can I do to make this up to you?”

    5. Consider timing. Apologize as soon as possible to avoid lasting hurt feelings and begin repairing the relationship; however, it is also important to consider the best time for the person who has been offended. A crowded room or when that person is tired to “just get it over with” wouldn’t be as thoughtful as waiting for the right time. 

    6. Choose the best channel. Face-to-face apologies can be very effective because the message is clear and you can receive information. Letters, emails, voicemails, or texts may be easier for the apologizer, but it usually is not as emotionally effective because the communication is one-sided initially. However, every situation is different and the best apology depends on the person, the time, and the needs of the individual as well as the culture from which each comes. 

    Making a Good Impression

    How you feel about yourself affects the impression you project to others. Making a good impression on others, whether it’s a new friend, a date, or an interviewer, starts with intrapersonal communication. If you believe you are a confident person deserving of respect, you will project it in your interactions with others. Making a good impression starts internally.  

    The impression you make includes the words you choose and your behavior. Often, nonverbal cues like keeping your desk clean at work and how you dress affect the impression you make. Consider who you are and how that will be reflected in your actions and speech. Pay attention to your details. 

    Personal Revelation to Know Who You Are

    A woman praying

    One source to go to know yourself better is your Father in Heaven. Source: Pexels.com 

    You learn about your self-concept through parents, significant others (like siblings, extended family members, or teachers), social comparisons (what is considered appropriate for your circumstances), peers, gender expectations, cultural influences, or groups like churches or clubs.

    As a child of God, you can also ask your Heavenly Father to help you know who you are and who you were meant to be through the power of personal revelation. Modern-day prophet Henry B. Eyring (2021) gave this advice: “I invite you to ask prayerfully how the Lord sees you. He knows you personally.”10

    Each faithful member of Christ’s church has at least one spiritual gift. “To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.” (D&C 46:12.)  Have faith in yourself to find your gifts. 

    Marvin J. Ashton (1987), a special witness of Jesus Christ, shared a few unique gifts you might see in yourself: 

    Spiritual gifts can include: the gift of being agreeable, the gift of avoiding vain repetition, the gift of seeking that which is righteous, the gift of receiving the Holy Ghost, the gift of being a disciple, the gift of offering prayer, the gift of ability to weep, the gift of looking to God for Guidance, the gift of hearing and using a still, small voice, the gift of being able to ponder, the gift of asking, the gift of not passing judgement, the gift of caring for others, the gift of avoiding contention, the gift of bearing a mighty testimony, the gift of listening.

    President Russell M. Nelson (2018), a modern-day prophet, invited you to seek to know your gifts. “Tonight I urge you, with all the hope of my heart, to pray to understand your spiritual gifts—to cultivate, use, and expand them, even more than you ever have. You will change the world as you do so.” 12 

    Consider what you have learned about your self-communication. Make necessary changes in how you speak to yourself. Set a goal to learn more about your gifts, and "change the world" as you learn more about who you are. 

    Study Tips

    W02 Case Study: Joseph's Big IdeaW02 Discussion: Virtual Talent ShowW02 Assignment: Ten Qualities

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    Access it online or download it at https://books.byui.edu/interpersonal_communication/self_communication.