Revise a Personal Statement

As the daughter of a lawyer, when I was a young woman I saw many people suffer the injustice of poverty, discrimination, divorce, and criminality. So after my LDS mission in [country], I decided to study law. I built a law firm in [country]. Even though my services were very specialized in legal medicine, many of my clients came to my office, not for trials, but for family problems, they wanted a divorce. As a missionary, I taught about celestial marriage, I testified that families can be together forever. Therefore, my instinct has been to help people understand the importance of family, and I have explained to them how destructive divorce is, not just for the couple, but for the children. I could have earned a lot of money divorcing people, but money is not everything in life. I find satisfaction in helping families remain together.

It has been an amazing experience for me to work with couples in order to reinforce their marriages and their relationships. I am proud that many of my clients and friends are even now together, thriving to have an eternal family. Furthermore, I have worked as an advisor to young single adults, and I have taught them how to acquire the qualities in order to become the right person and to find the person with the right kind of qualities to get married to by applying the principles of The Family: a Proclamation to the World. I am a unique woman who strives to achieve my goals every day. For instance, I earned a magma cum laude during my bachelor’s degree. Recently, I have been studying English, and I have been recognized as an outstanding student by the BYU English Language Center. I am a good listener and a good adviser. I am a lifelong student who wants to become an expert in marriage and family relationships.
In addition, after finishing the BYU ́s Pathway program, I began to study for a certificate in Marriage and Family Relationships at BYU-I. Because of my studies, I now have a better understanding of the doctrine and principles of the family. For that reason, I am profoundly interested in applying for a master’s program in marriage and family relationships at BYU-Provo because I know that BYU has the best academic program for what I want to learn and what I want to become. BYU focuses on eternal principles applied to understand the significance of family for the individual and society. I want to belong to and learn from people who are engaged with the family.
I am committed to the most essential institution in the world: the family. I know that I can be a great influence on the university community because I am an example of a successful marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost twenty-two years. We have two children, and we will all be together forever and ever because we have been sealed for time and all eternity. I want to earn a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Relationships at BYU-Provo considering that my purpose is to acquire all the knowledge, experience, abilities, and skills BYU has to offer in order to defend the family as God has ordained. I want to inspire young people about marriage and help families in conflict, not just as a counselor, but as a voice to all nations.


Exercise 1: Analyze a personal statement

  1. How is the writer introduced?
  2. What information do you think the prompt asked for?
  3. Are the ideas sequenced in a logical order?
  4. Is there a clearly stated purpose (conclusion) in this personal statement?
  5. What suggestions would you give this writer to improve the personal statement?

Exercise 2: Revise an essay

Revise this student's essay. Ignore bracketed information [ ] in your editing efforts. 

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