Revise a Personal Statement

Everyone has his own dream. I have my own dream as well. I look forward to returning to my career life in the USA which was my lifestyle in [home country] before I immigrated here. I was a [medical] specialist in [home country]. I had been working in a hospital for more than 20 years. I accumulated a lot of experience on how to diagnose disease faster and more correctly. Also, I collected many treatment skills for how to solve patients' problems. I love to help people and make my life more meaningful. In addition, my children are my internal locus of control and keep me motivated. Using other words, I want to be a good example for my children. Let them know that their mother is an eternal learner, so they will learn from me and love to study and maintain good habits in their whole life.

I know myself well. I am a self-disciplined person, I will focus on what I need to do and should do as long as I set my goal. I believe that I can be successful in anything I want to do because of my self-discipline quality. For example, I had decided to get my master’s degree after I graduated and had been working in [Hospital] for more than 10 years. Then, I had been studying and teaching by myself very hard. excepting for working, eating, and sleeping, I had used almost all my free time to concentrate on my study and goal. I failed the postgraduate entrance exam for the first time. Then I took the GRE again, then I failed again. But I hadn’t given up, I just continued to do it and even studied harder and more diligently. Finally, I passed the GRE test and got into [University] in 2000. Finally, I gained my master’s degree in 2006. So, I believe that I can pass the TOEFL test too.

     If I can reach above 80 scores in the TOEFL test, then I can apply to the Physical Assistant (PA) Program at the University of Washington, which is located in Seattle. If I can get into University for my PA program, I can learn and practice all my medical knowledge and skills in English again. Specifically, I have already collected many experiences and skills to help my classmates, and they can help me to practice every medical term in English too. There is a saying that says “If people are learning knowledge alone without friends, he will become a lonely and ignorant person.” So, I love to go to school to study knowledge with my classmates together. Also, being a PA shade will be a good way to practice the process of how to diagnose and treat patients better in the USA. I have already prepared all the documents I need for applying for a PA program online. The only thing I still need to do is pass my TOEFL test performance, then I will be ready for the application of my PA program. I know how to use my experiences and skills to help people after I gain the PA license after a couple of years, just like I used to service people in [home country]. Except for reputation and finance, I think people also pursue a sense of achievement. The sense of accomplishment is the need for everyone. I desire to be needed with my skill and knowledge by people. So, I can persist in my study, even though the process is hard and rough. I will keep doing it till I make it.


Exercise 1: Analyze a personal statement

Read the essay below and consider these questions:

  1. How is the writer introduced?
  2. What information do you think the prompt asked for?
  3. Are the ideas sequenced in a logical order?
  4. Is there a clearly stated purpose (conclusion) in this personal statement?
  5. What suggestions would you give this writer to improve the personal statement?

Exercise 2: Revise an essay

Revise this student's essay. Ignore bracketed information [ ] in your editing efforts.