A Brief Literature Review of the Nine Principles that Establish and Maintain Successful Families

Repentance

Like faith, repentance is not a commonly used term in empirical research. However, the broader concept of repentance includes aspects that have been examined empirically, such as change, apologizing, efforts to repair relationships, and admitting fault. Therefore, this brief review will capture some of the literature that has examined these repentance-related terms. 

A key element of the principle of repentance is a recognition that we have done wrong. Because of the nature of marital and family dynamics, this can be difficult to do within family relationships but research suggests that it is worth it. Researchers have found that the presence of marital humility, including a willingness to admit mistakes, is positively associated with marital satisfaction and could even be a protective factor against stress (Goddard et al., 2016). Furthermore, when one is willing to not only admit fault but express a desire to compensate for wrongdoing, it is more likely to help produce forgiveness (Jeter & Brannon, 2017).

In a relationship setting, part of the process of repentance is the offering of sincere apologies. This can be particularly difficult in some family cultures, where a belief exists that one (especially a parent) should never apologize (especially to a child). However, when parents have a proclivity toward apologies, it tends to produce a more secure parent-child attachment (Ruckstaetter et al., 2017). One study discovered that when mothers were willing to apologize for wrongdoing it predicted more prosocial child behaviors, such as kindness toward others, and less child internalizing behaviors, such as being easily scared and having “many problems” (p. 4). When the apology was considered effective (showing remorse, acknowledgment of wrongdoing, offering a repair, etc.), it predicted less externalizing child behaviors, such as being overactive and not being able to stay still for very long (Lee et al., 2023). 

Admitting fault and offering apologies are both forms of relationship repair. In marriage, successful repair is correlated with marital satisfaction (Wang et al., 2017). Renowned author and therapist, John Gottman, has written at length about the power of successful repair attempts in marital communication (for example, see The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work). In one study on repair attempts, Gottman and colleagues (2017) examined how effective repair attempts were during different phases of marital conflict. They discovered that a repair that occurred during the first 3 minutes of a conflict was most effective. These attempts typically addressed the emotional climate of the interaction with strategies such as empathy, expressed understanding, shared humor, affection, and taking personal responsibility. The least effective repair attempts took place during the last 3 minutes of the interaction, suggesting that procrastinating until the end (intentionally or for other reasons) is less helpful. An author on John Gottman’s professional blog summarized repair attempts in marriage in this way: “The difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t make mistakes. We all do. How couples repair is what separates the relationship Masters from the Disasters” (Benson, n.d., para. 3).

Parents also have the opportunity to engage in relationship repair. Harach & Kuczynski (2005) interviewed 24 mothers and fathers regarding their parent-child relationship. They found that successful repair by parents included a parental apology and affection (a lot of attention, kisses, and hugs), as well as engaging with the child at the child’s level. This may be out of the norm for some parents and may feel uncomfortable. However, the cost parents pay in discomfort can pay tremendous dividends for the parent-child relationship.

The last concept that will be discussed concerning the principle of repentance is known as relationship self-regulation (RSR). RSR can be described as changing one’s self to improve the relationship (Ferguson et al., 2023). Higher levels of relationship self-regulation are associated with higher levels of relationship quality (Ferguson & Karantzas, 2022) and can also help individuals overcome a negative climate in their family of origin and develop healthy relationships in adulthood (Hardy et al., 2015). In contrast, when partners try to fix their partners through criticism, blame, guilt-tripping, and other partner regulation strategies, they experience lower relationship quality (Ferguson et al., 2023). Individuals will always make greater progress when they focus on their repentance than when they focus on trying to coerce others.

Other topics might be considered related to repentance, such as having a growth mindset (Shashwati & Kansal, 2019), and examining this research can be helpful. However, even with the plethora of research studies on these and other topics, empirical research will never be able to adequately capture the power of repentance in marriage and family. It may be the most important principle missing in marriages and families that fail.

References

Benson, K. (n.d.). Repair is the Secret Weapon of Emotionally Connected Couples. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved May 3, 2024, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-secret-weapon-emotionally-connected-couples/

Ferguson, E. K., & Karantzas, G. C. (2022). The roles of self‐regulation and partner regulation on romantic relationship quality. Family Process, 62(1), 406–422. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12782

Ferguson, E. K., Karantzas, G. C., Marshall, E. M., & Knox, L. (2023). The associations between relationship self‐regulation, partner regulation, and relationship outcomes: A meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 15(4), 764–792. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12508

Goddard, W. H., Olson, J. R., Galovan, A. M., Schramm, D. G., & Marshall, J. P. (2016). Qualities of Character That Predict Marital Well‐Being. Family Relations, 65(3), 424–438. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12195

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182

Harach, L. D., & Kuczynski, L. J. (2005). Construction and maintenance of parent-child relationships: Bidirectional contributions from the perspective of parents. Infant and Child Development, 14(4), 327–343. https://doi.org/10.1002/icd.393

Hardy, N. R., Soloski, K. L., Ratcliffe, G. C., Anderson, J. R., & Willoughby, B. J. (2015). Associations Between Family of Origin Climate, Relationship Self‐Regulation, and Marital Outcomes. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 41(4), 508–521. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12090

Jeter, W. K., & Brannon, L. A. (2017). ‘I’ll Make It Up to You:’ Examining the effect of apologies on forgiveness. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2017.1291854

Lee, A. H., Adams-Clark, A. A., Martin, C. G., & Zalewski, M. (2023). Associations between maternal apology, parenting, and child internalizing, externalizing and prosocial behaviors. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 84, 101484. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2022.101484

Ruckstaetter, J., Sells, J., Newmeyer, M. D., & Zink, D. (2017). Parental Apologies, Empathy, Shame, Guilt, and Attachment: A Path Analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development, 95(4), 389–400. https://doi.org/10.1002/jcad.12154

Shashwati, S., & Kansal, P. (2019). Is There A Right Way to Love? : Mindset in Romantic Relationships. International Journal of Innovative Studies in Sociology and Humanities, 4(2), 9. 

Wang, F., Edwards, K. J., & Hill, P. C. (2017). Humility as a relational virtue: Establishing trust, empowering repair, and building marital well-being. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 36(2), 168–180.