Example of the Five Steps of the Pillow Method for the Assignment. Description: My boyfriend wants us to join a co-ed football/soccer team. I don’t. Step 1: “I'm right, you're wrong.” Consider that you are right and the other person is wrong. This is the perspective we usually take, so it's the obvious first step. Example: Step 1 I’m right; he is wrong. - I'm right because I don't like football. I don't understand why he likes football so much. I have never enjoyed playing or watching it.
- He's wrong because whenever we go to a game, or watch sports on the television, he stops paying attention to me. He's wrong that playing on a team would make us closer because it just makes me angry.
Step 2: “You're right, I'm wrong.” Take the opposite perspective. Assume you are wrong and the other person is correct. Try to understand the other person’s view and why he or she disagrees with you. Example: Step 2 You're right; I'm wrong. - He's right because he grew up playing sports. He was the best player on his school football team. He wants to spend more time with me but still play. He says I would love it if I just gave it a try.
- I'm wrong because I haven’t really tried.
Step 3: “Both right, both wrong.” Looks at what you both have in common—what you are both correct in assuming and also see both the weaknesses of each position. Example: Step 3 We are both right; we are both wrong. - We are both right in that we want to spend time together. We both want the other person to be happy spending time doing what they want to do.
- We are both wrong because we haven’t been listening to each other. I told him I’m not a fan of football, but I could try it out before saying no, and he can listen to me when I say I don’t want to do something.
Step 4: “The issue isn't as important as it seems.” Remember that disagreements fade. They seem important at the time, but acknowledging the bigger picture helps release tension. Example: Step 4 The issue isn't as important as it seems. - According to our textbook, "a relationship is not about events or experience but about commitment."
- Playing on this team isn't the only way to succeed in our relationship. We love each other; we have other things in common, and that’s what is important. Someday I hope we get married and have children. Learning how to deal with conflict is an important part of dating.
Step 5: “There is truth in all four perspectives.” Acknowledge that each step provides truth and why. You may never agree, but the point is to find understanding. Empathy allows you to understand the other person better. Example: Step 5 There is truth in all perspectives. - I learned that I'm right in knowing what I like, and he's wrong in that he's not really listening to me in how much I don't enjoy football.
- He's right in that he wants to spend more time with me doing something he likes, and I'm wrong because I haven't been listening to why he wants to be on this team together.
- We're both right in that our goal is to be together, and we're both wrong because we don't have to change the other person in order to spend time together.
- The issue isn't that important because this is only one way we can spend time together and our relationship isn't about playing games.
- I learned that we both have our opinions on what we like to do, and that is fine. We can try new things together, and we can listen to the other person.
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